Ignite (500 words)

I admire you, my fellow creative,
For continuing to build, share and expand.

How do you do it?
Speak so openly of the things you love and detest. You speak of your dreams, thoughts, and wishes so fluently I get lost in awe.

There is a blockage on my throat – the words are there, but when I go to speak, they have become too internalized as I stuff more and more down.

I feel grief stuck in my throat.
The kind that burns when you swallow down merciless tears for someone who doesn’t deserve them.

I know I have things that are worthy of sharing but when I move from the safety of my black ink + paper journal security to the anonymous world wide web – I begin to entangle into the fears of unanswerable shame. I fear the things I think you think I am. Remain silent and to be thought a fool, or to speak and have my lack of knowing crescendoed to the world. It’s safer on the outside.

If I were to speak of the surface level what would I say?

Maybe I’d start with how I am guest teaching a meditation offering of “yogic nidra” at my yoga studio’s birthday bash tomorrow and I feel scared, shameful and unworthy. But that I will dust away all my insecurities under a rug so I can hold space for others to be safe and supported. Imposter syndrome. Yet I feel ready to break through the walls I’ve paper mache with concrete. It just means that I need to learn how to open up and trust that I will be supported.
Fuck.
That’s easier said than done.

As I prepared for tomorrow’s adventure, I danced with an old friend today, anxiety.
If I were an outsider looking in, I’d beg myself to be kind and gentle to myself.
I’m trying. Somedays I exceptionally excel at this limbo.

Do you ever feel phases of your life where you feel judged and villainized? Like there are offerings you want to share to the world but you are afraid?
I feel that right now.
“Don’t look too happy Kerri, people will think your a monster while you’re supposed to be grieving death.” “Don’t show your sorrows too loudly Kerri, no one gives a fuck. Stop seeking desperate attention.”
So I haven’t done much of anything.

Sleep, how I am immersed in the art lately.

Words I wish I could say?
In moments of pure joy, please don’t assume that I am fixed or healed. I still hurt. Immensely. But this joy is authentic. Let me marinate in it. It won’t last. It will rebound faster than I am prepared for.
In moments of pure suffering, please understand the depth of torment and sadness that exists. running through every thought. I am doing the best I can given the situation and my level of human-ness. I may not be able to show up for you like you need me to, and I apologize. Please continue to be patient and gentle. I am grateful for you.

And for you reading these words, I thank you.
My wish for you is that you set your soul ablaze on what ignites depth into your soul. Create, write, photograph, move, dance, explore, sit.
Share, to anyone and to everyone.
Share your fire, you’re ready to ignite.

 

photographer credit: Liza Curtis Photography
http://www.lizacurtiss.com
studio credit: The Rad Life 

fire whisperer credit: davey h. 

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