depth.

it’s a lonely space in the world i’ve been living.

there needs to be a handout given to those experiencing loss of a loved one – “the people who you think will be there for you are going to be MIA. deal with it.”

so.
here i am.
dealing with it.

loss makes a human rawly compassionate to those around them. it stings like hell building up to that point.

why do we gift our attention to those that treat us like an afterthought?

anger is being met with depression.
anxiety came to visit this week too.
what a trio they make together.

a new week awaits, and still i rise-
i try to avoid the hysteria of motivation that can be paired with a burning crash. i am quietly cultivating awareness to guide myself back into a calming center. neutrality.

oh neutrality.
i used to despise the word.
now i understand there is magic to being balanced in the middle.

i think of him, and a piece of the puzzle of why the grief is drowning was gifted by words of another. “he didn’t have a chance to live.” his life was plagued with suffering, though you would not know it by the outpouring of love during his passing. he dreamed dreams so impossible but with sheer determination. i did not doubt he would make his dreams come true, for he sacrificed his mental health and well being to accelerate quicker. he wanted a family and he wanted to succeed. he has neither. to know of one’s passion so large, and yet see it combust.

it makes me feel guilty for being the one who lived.
here i am. with my precious life still intact.
yet i do not dream anymore, unless my dreams are of desi runaways.
sometimes i wonder if once i return from my soul’s calling to return to Mother India, what will await me? i don’t know .i suppose that is why i face painted a part two of the plan to go to the University of British Columbia for marketing + graphic design. sometimes in the deepest of pondering, i wonder how many goals and plans are made to fill in the gap of not knowing what to do next?

in the quiet depth of one’s own rumination,
i hope you surround yourself by those greater and better than you – not to belittle your efforts, but to force you to level up to their greatness. i also hope you take time to find gratitude for the things in your life that would be overlooked with routine. i truly believe gratitude can change the momentum of your life.

what am i grateful for?
– you, reading these words.
– gold hour, where the sun bathes the skies an hour before sunset
– creative flow, or at least the desire to crack away at making magic
– the darkness that precurses the light of sunrise

stay safe dear friends, wherever you are.
create, be seen, heard and love fearlessly.

-kp xo

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