What an intro into a new year of the human experience.
The last two days have been the ultimate climax of stress, agitation, unknowing, and yes- fear!
I am in an incredible situation, I am in an impossible situation.
I have had to make some really tough decisions with limited knowledge, ever changing situations, the possibility of some severe outcomes, in a place where I am a foreigner and alone.
I am really proud of the decisions I made.
I feel like a navigated a sweet spot between “fear” and “boldly brave”.
Yeah, I made some ultra badass moderate decisions.
Damn that feels good.
(Fuck I am getting old.)
What doesn’t feel good is that I am in the ULTIMATE unknowing –
Shit man, I have no idea or control over what will happen next.
Anything can change.
Anything can happen.
A – N – Y – T – H – I – N – G.
Yet I am now in the bubble where now, I made my decisions, and I wait.
Whatever bullshit that can arise from my decisions, or just from being a traveler during a very uncertain time in the world – it’ll happen and I’ll face it when it does.
I feel like the lifting of temporary stress has gave space for much needed insight into a very tricky situation.
- I want to throw myself in as many situations as possible that sound a lot like – “Hi! My name is Kerri and I would be so grateful to photograph you / your event/ etc” to people, to situations that inspire me massively and also scare me. I’m gaining incredible insight to the kind of photographer I want to grow into, and that person is a bit punk (fuck editing, fuck making it pretty, make it authentic), inquisitive -fuck making you look pretty – I want to know your story and the ways in which you have come back from the grave- and I want to capture that on film. I want to capture people in their element, their creative madness. I want to capture the human experience. Fuck there is so much beauty in the mundane daily routine- I want to capture it and share it. It will be a huge learning curve HOW to get there. But I will, as long as I stay aligned with my internal compass.
- Just because I get excited about something does not mean that it properly inspires me and that it is a nourishing project for my creativity. I don’t know at this point how to recognize the difference before hand, but I do recognize the after emotions. I need to learn how to find this.
- Fear clouds rational judgement. Suddenly, the easiest – most logical solution – becomes “rationally” flawed and impossible. Do whatever it takes to become empty – empty of emotion, thought- become relaxed. Through this state, can you start to crack away at
- I am so in awe of the musicians, artists, creatives in my life. They are all my muses. They fuel me in such incredible ways, that them being their authentic selves- helps me see the world in a more beautiful, expansive way. If you fall into this category – DO NOT STOP. EVER. KEEP SHARING. PLEASE.
- Attachments, yeah I have a few. I am sitting with the possibility that a big dream (err.. attachment) that I have had is not going to happen. That fucking sucks man. But it’s also ok. Really! I am also learning the peace that comes with realizing the BIG THING isn’t going to be a big thing, infant, it might be very deflated and uneventful. Release fucking expectations. Salvage what you need for you to get what you need, even if it is the bare minimum.
- I am so ready for the next chapter, the school chapter. But I am committed to do it wisely. There is so much pollution of bullshit out in the world, in the industry I want to move towards- Business Marketing. I watched a great documentary on John Lennon & Yoko Ono that made me see that perhaps- there is a different way to get the message out, loudly, in the most simplistic way. (“Yes”/ “War is over (if you want it).”) I am curious about the merging of art / marketing / and making the world just a bit better. And yes – I do want formal education behind me because I believe intelligence is sexy and the relationships built are equally important as the curriculum.
- I feel like I am a complete asshole. I need to remind myself, OVER AND OVER, that I am not an asshole – I am bored and need to do something. If I am doing something, creating something, learning something, I am less of an asshole in my head.
The time is 10 pm and I have quite an exciting adventure possibly in the works tomorrow, so I am going to call it a night soon. I will share details and the experience if and when it unfolds.
But first, I wanted to share a few pics more from Phnom Penh, the capital of Cambodia. I do not understand the concept of “people watching” but fuck man- let me tell you- traffic watching in Asia is the best! I am in awe of every motorbike, Tuk tuk and beautiful human I see. Photos are unedited/unfiltered – because I feel oversaturated with half truths and a society that idolizes glossy – I am cool with bombing you with my shitty flawed photographs.
And re: Cambodia- THIS IS A COUNTRY YOU NEED TO VISIT. You need to visit the temples outside of Siem Reap. You need to go to Phnom Penh to visit the monuments honoring the memory of the Genocide of 1975-1979. Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum and Choeung Ek Memorial (The Killing Fields) have left such an imprint on me. I was unable to complete the full tour of Tuol Sleng audio tour, having such an adverse reaction to hearing of one of the victims experience. No words man, no words.
Sending you love wherever you are.
Goodnight / Goodmorning to you.