I am in the ultimate unknowing.
Couldn’t tell you about tomorrow.
Anything could happen.
Today I woke to the news that India has shut their border to tourist visas.
Desi dreams have kept me stitched together through some really fucking rough times.
But its ok.
I’m so ok, that I’m surprising myself how okay i feel about everything.
I cannot verbalize the level of stress and anxiety of not knowing if it was going to work out. Like bracing yourself to getting dumped by someone you really fucking care about.
The intuition, fear, stress, over analyzing, wondering if it’s all in your head
Suckerpunch to the heart.
Band-aid ripped off.
Closure feels good.
I filled today with two helpings of soul food:
Study + review of my notes from my immersion of Tantra Yoga,
And a sunset boat ride along the coast of Phnom Penh.
I feel a sense of peace, a reuniting of what matters.
I purposely have been a little quiet about what I have been unearthing in my yogic practice.
This time I carved out to spend at Shri Kali ashram was for me.
I’m struggling with the yoga industry + teaching
Self- marketing and promoting,
when I’m so annoyed with Instagram influencers already.
“Lets change the world!” posed with a glamour shot.
Or trying to grow and expand as a teacher,
But being shackled to “here’s your box, I dare you to even try to expand.”
Teachers with great experience being passed over for newly graduated ytt’ers.
Does experience/ qualifications/ education and working your way up no longer matter?
I turn to my reservoir of loving kindness, ultimate compassion.
Everyone is doing their best, I am doing my best.
It’s ok to feel asshole emotions and asshole thoughts,
It’s not ok to be an asshole though.
But the question echoes in my heart:
What’s the point of even teaching yoga anymore?
Oh .. fuck..
It’s because this is a practice that has saved my life.
I would be an asshole not to share.
January and February were special months of deep internal inquiry.
Minus an intertwining with Dengue fever,
I got the opportunity to tune 100% inwards.
Into a practice so wildly different from the western world.
“I don’t even know how I would teach this to everyone back home,” I repeatedly said.
But it didn’t matter.
One thing mattered:
“Let yourself be floppy and relaxed”.
Tantra yoga has received an unfair reputation c/o of an interview musician Sting’s wife gave equating Tantra yoga to an endurance sexual experience.
Over the course of 2 lectures, we watched an extended video on “The History of Tantra Yoga”.
Filled with philosophers, feminists, sexual revolutions, the karma sutra, gurus and beyond.
The plot twist- After watching the video, Metta, incredible instructor from Denmark says-
“Everything that video says tantra yoga is – it is not.”
Then what is Tantra?
I like this simple equation best:
Dharma (your purpose) + Artha (total potential) + Kama (bliss, desire, longing) = Nirvana (extinguishing of suffering= freedom!)
I get that.
“Sort of,” I admit.
I rummaged through my mind to summarize:
“Combine your purpose with your potential for greatness and allow yourself to feel good. This leads to freedom.”
Ok. I get that!
As I entered notes from lecture, more wildly bold tantric statements being electrified back into my senses.
“YOU ARE NOT AN INCIDENTAL CREATURE.
You are meant to express your true self.
You’re soul chose this life.
Your life has purpose.”
These are special words for me to be reminded of,
Preparing for an estimated two weeks of unknown in a foreign country,
Then preparing for an undecided amount of time in an undecided location,
All to wrap up this wildly unpredictable ride of twenty twenty.
Canada, is in the horizon – so much quicker than I could brace.
But I don’t have to go home either.
What would I do though?
Where would I go?
Am i going crazy?
I kinda think I am..
What the fuck do I even want?
As I ask these questions,
The eerie silence that follows scares me.
I don’t know what I want.
I want to live a life of purpose, passion and meaning.
But I don’t know what my purpose is.
I feel not quite whole, Not quite ready for whatever is coming next.
I want to hide behind the lens of my canon rebel,
Like experiencing life hiding behind a dominant character.
I want to tip toe into the great unknown,
But is that bringing me closer to my purpose?
I don’t know.
I do know that I got to pause tonight,
Watching the shore of Phnom Pehn float by.
Taking advice from my transcribe notes:
“You are safe when you are yourself,
Expressing your truest self,” I hear Sampas voice echoing in my head.
Yeah, I like that.
It is time to surrender to sleep,
But I just wanted to say –
If you are caught in trying times,
Try letting go. Relax.
Let your body float on the waves of unknown.
Nothing is in your control.
But you are more supported than you could ever imagine.
Ps: GO TO CAMBODIA. LEARN THE HISTORY. UNDERSTAND MODERN HAPPENINGS.