October (twin flame)

October 
Will always be 
Your month,
Yours to keep. 

Years will go, 
And you will not return, 
But October will always be
Yours to keep. 

In a muted grey October
On a faceless grey Sunday, 
Under Alberta prairie skies, 
You revived me back to life. 

“I’ve been transferred to your soul home. I’ve been here for two months. Will you come?” You ask, hit so out of the blue. We haven’t talked for months. How dare you use my achilles heel to plead your case. 

“No. I am with someone. I am happy.” I reply, trying to convince myself. Setting loud, firm boundaries. I am slightly angered. Your absence was loud. I feel disjointed, wondering where this is even coming from. Annoyed, our timing never did align. Betrayed, because I wish you did not awaken such depth of feelings. 

“Please, 
Tell me if it ends.”

A foreshadowing.

Within weeks of our conversation, 
He showed his true colours,
Foolish wandering eyes,
But you showed me yours. 
Driving 12 hours to me
The day after I told you. 

You 
changed 
me. 

The movie scene moment
Of opening my door and you were there.
Dressed in plaid flannel and jeans,
Standing outside of my house
Leaning against a white sports car,
With a bottle of noir and shy eyes.

You stole my breath.

You moved through me,
One half of me
Manifested
In all of you.

You broke me
Out of my routine
Chasing me out
Into the unknown.

Ultimate surrender. 

But it was the intimate moment
Between you and I, in my kitchen, 
As I pulled out two wine glasses
And a bottle opener. 
I was 6 months sober, 
But this was a moment 
Worth breaking sobriety for. 
You were a dream
Worth breaking sobriety for. 

“No thanks”.
You replied. “I haven’t drank in 10 years.”

I felt
My earth
Pulled out
From underneath. 

How did I not know this about you?

You taught me
The one human 
Worth breaking sobriety for
Won’t let you. 

Damn I needed that. 

You left your mark
You smashed all paradigms
That caged my heart. 
I am not the same person. 

But beautiful you, 
There is no attachment. 

If you wanted to be in my life, 
You would be. 
But you’re not.  
And I will not break my heart, 
More than I have to.

I can let you go.
Knowing you exist
Is enough.

I understand
You are my twin flame. 
You are my mirror, 
My soul’s other half,

For better, 
For worse.
You are meant to show me, 
My light, my shadows. 

Emotionally unavailable me
attracts
Emotionally unavailable you.

I make peace with that. 
How beautiful it is, 
To have experienced you. 
A connection
That could burn
Myself to the ground. 
But I don’t allow it.

You remind me
When I get too attached
To love that was meant to pass,
How good it can be
To let it consume.
Then, let it go.

Graceful. 
Gentle. 

Like
the month
of
October. 

Graceful. 
Gentle. 

Like 
the meeting
of
Your twin flame.