xlii
amidst the dance,
that flows around me,
i feel a friction,
a heavy resistance.
i am in Gokarna.
admist deities
of great divine.
pujas and worship,
expression outwards,
redirection inwards.
yet..
i feel so small.
i wish to be elsewhere.
i don’t know where.
the friction grows.
like the clicking of blackbird’s talons on glass
my mind is spinning faster than the beating of festival drums.
“what do i want?
what do i need?
why can’t i be happy here?”
i pull myself off the streets of Gokarna,
and take rest on the steps of a small shop.
unknowing what the next step is,
but knowing i can’t go back to where i come from.
“what do i want?
what do i need?
what do i want?
what do i need?
i have everything i could dream of,
why can’t i be happy here?”
faster and faster
repeated questions spin
in my mind.
answers buried.
vertigo.
my eyes are fixated on the street in front,
passing by rickshaws, locals, tourists,
cows, street dogs, and taxis,
weaving in a perfect harmony.
the Guru senses,
and approaches me.
he sits next to me
and my despair.
he doesn’t have to say,
i know he is there to listen.
unapologetic for the lack of grace, i confide in him:
“i can’t keep this pseud up anymore.
i feel tone deaf to what i need,
i am unable to follow through with what i want.
it’s like i have muted myself.
i feel like i don’t have a say,
that i’ve become accustomed to flowing around the situation, the people, the expectations everyone has of me..
i don’t even know what it is i want anymore.”
“it is our interpretation and resistance to the dance is what causes suffering and misery.
none of this is real, as we perceive it to be.
if you knew your life was just a dream,
what would you choose it to be? how would you play it?”
i am unsure of the answer,
i vocalize the questions gnawing my focus,
“i don’t know what i want, and i don’t know what i need? what do i do?”
i ask the Guru for a compass.
“you not knowing what you want or what you need is an experience that you – the divine – chose to experience. experience it. celebrate it.
your unknowing is a decision.
resolution to your unknowing is a decision.
learn to dance in the unknown.
you are your own compass.”
his words, his wisdom- i’m grateful,
bringing a flicker of momentary peace.
but his absence to answers i am seeking,
feels dissonant and pulsating.
the inner turmoil boils.
“what do i want?
what do i need?
what do i want?
what do i need?
what do i want?
what do i need?”
it swirls in my brain.
i don’t know.
i simply don’t know.
the friction,
is building.
if this is all just a dream- how should i play it?
i sense-
a tsunami,
in my inner world
about to hit.
i hear
a calling..
ocean waves
pulling me home.
daveyhproductions 
Leave a comment