xxxviii
an ashram,
i sink into,
not knowing
the outcome.
blackbird says,
“be here now”
and i listen.
i don’t know what to do.
so i do what i do best,
i flee.
i escape into Goan waters,
it goes to my mid thighs,
each wave,
a resurgence,
a remembering.
i’m stripped down,
to an olive green bikini
with my blonde hair
dripping wet with sea salt and grief.
i keep looking back.
he said he would come.
he said he would find me.
but he’s not here.
an infinite joy of ocean
lays to my front
yet i am looking back
to dungeons and ghosts.
i keep looking back to shore-
to the tropical forest, the woods.
i am lost.
life times away.
with each wave
i feel my body
become heavier
with abandonment.
black bird watches on from the beach.
his noir feathers soak up
remnants of each ocean wave.
he holds space for me, to fall apart.
“they aren’t there.” he says matter of factly.
his tone deepens, soft and tender-
“they will never be again.”
a blackbird’s tone now sombre,
and spoken with compassion.
he watches me in finite detail.
he sees the wheels of my mind trying to process,
my are eyes still glued to the shore.
waiting.
blackbird: “he’s not coming back for you.”
“he’s wrong.” unspoken words, screamed to the blackbird.
“i’m sorry madam.
you’ve entered the Bardo.
there is no going back.
now.
tell me.
what would happen if you let go, all the way?”
blackbird intuitively speaks into my mind, a light tone, hopeful.
a wave of ocean,
i couldn’t anticipate
knocks me over.
i stumble into water.
i laugh,
like a child
relearning
the meaning of “play”.
i am humbled,
by it’s ferocity,
and my stupidity.
“there is no going back.”
he is not there.
they are not there,
and they will never be there-
so whats in front of me?
as my eyes readjust.
and all i see,
is the infinite Goan sea,
and the infinite possibilities.
daveyhproductions 
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