west 4th avenue

i arrive, they ask, i try to deliver.
they want me showing up
manifestations of golden hour shimmers
a summer rooftop party with old friends
but intuition sends elevator chills, 
“high alert girl, be on guard girl.”
but they act so happy to see me,
it’s been years.. i’m finally here.

they offer a drink, i decline. 
they offer a drug, i decline. 
“i thought you loosened up when you were gone?”
they taunt, affectionately, they say, 
but it doesn’t feel so affectionate. 
i want to reply with the truth. 
“yeah, sometimes i do drink now. 
but only around people i trust.”
they wouldn’t like that. 
but i think i’d like that. 
they want me to be someone else
i don’t think they like who i am,
when i am true to who i am.  

and here we go again,
we go again,
we go again…  

banker boy prowls into my territory
he’s picked up a new confidence since i’ve been gone,
leaning into me me a little too close, 
chatting surface shit, he don’t give a shit:
“what’s new girl? tell me all. 
uh huh, yeah. cool.”
you shift topic as soon as you can,
to you.
your new job, 
your new condo, 
your new car. 
to you – enticing and shiny
to me- tastless and tacky.
you continue to lose me:
“so. you and that dude…
you guys still broke up? ..
um what’s his name?
i can’t believe you almost married the guy”
for a moment i think he’s about to say shit about my ex
and i’m ready to defend:
“yeah, we broke up.
but he’s my still best friend.” 
watch your words, says my tone. 
your eyes are surprised, so am i.
i observe fast; the scotch and lust in your systems-
you just want to know for sure if i’m single.. 
you’re sussing out if you might take me home with you..
in your cute new car, to your cute new condo.
fuck no, the answer is hell no,
but don’t worry boo,
i’ll redirect you:
“that brunette over there has been eyeing you up, 
why don’t you chat her up.
she’s a sure thing,
you’d like that.”
i kiss his check goodbye, 
and cut our karmic ties. 
“don’t even worry that she’s barely past 20.
age is just a number, innit.”
a number creeping on half of yours.
you look offended, and i relax into it. 
you’ve been offending me all night. 
i used to look at you like golden sunlight, 
but your true colours are showing through. 
time does change everything. 

i move to the next round of facades, 
i camouflage within my surroundings. 
smile when i sense it is time to smile
laugh when i sense it is time to laugh
i am there, but i’m not there. 
and not one person notices. 

it’s all a show though
i play the role
of a girl unbothered
but the truth is
i am bothered. 

i hope no one notices, 
i am so far gone, 
i wish no one to try
to bring me back. 

i become the observer
of a scene, a storyline
i once was apart of, but now
i no longer want part of. 

i dig out my phone and call, 
“hey. can you pick me up,
yeah, now. please. yeah.
west 4th avenue.”

its an “anywhere but here” vibe.

i sneak out the side door.

it’s an “anywhere but here” vibe.