October

tears keep
spilling from my eyes
like monsoon
in october night skies.

i check the wound 
periodically. 
it was healing before, 
why does it look a little infected?
i bandage it back up. 

train station interceptions, 
phone calls that shatter. 
a karmic seed now joins me
on parallel life/death lines,
“pull yourself together girl, 
you’re late for the show.” 

a pulsating cry, 
“i want to go home.”
himalayan hills, 
tibetan prayer flags, 
and dharma to soothe.
oh. but i know..
i know..
i can’t go home. 
not yet.

i check the wound. 
oh no, it’s gotten worse. 
i apply turmeric paste. 
i bandage it back up. 

sinking depressions,
hospital waiting rooms,
Diwali grief waves
now a tsunami. 
but this one is alive
and he took the sun with him.
i thought
  i thought
i thought 
  i thought
i thought i navigated through this
but festival season is here,
it’s so dark.
where is my light?
i’m looping, 
did i make a mistake?
no, i did not make a mistake. 
no human should have to give up
their identity-
their passions-
their voice- 
so they can have a future
with the human they loved. 
that is not love, it is cultural control
and my daddy would be so ashamed
if i gave everything up for a boy. 
why does it feel so damn cold?  
like i lost my best friend too..
i keep this a secret, 
they would be so ashamed of me 
if they knew
how much i hurt. 
i take extra time, 
to look extra pretty. 
i don’t want them to see
all that i am grieving. 
it is, after all, festival season.

i check the wound. 
oh it’s just no use. 
it’s ugly and infected, 
throbbing in pain. 
so i leave the bandaid off, 
and give it space to breathe. 

i take rest, 
in somber solitude. 
and let monsoon rains
be monsoon rains. 
every monsoon eventually ends, 
my monsoon will too. 

and in this solitude, 
i understand, 
i am hurting,
but it is divine.
i am finding the emotional edge
to sink into november,
to write the novel
i need to write. 

blinders are on.
please do not disturb, 
unless you are carrying
kaurna (compassion) for the heart
or literary inspiration for the soul.

please do not disturb.