Porcelain Snow

porcelain snow, 
humbling, soft,
gentle, still. 

i am
awake, and aware. 
awake, and aware.  

i search for the breath- inhale, expand. 
exhale, exhale and i am here. 

i feel, 
the world, 
moving so fast. 

everyone 
has something to do
or has somewhere to be
or someone to be with,
and i am here – 

here..

for brief moments, i feel high
for the rest, i feel uneasy vertigo. 

intuition has been screaming to me, 
but i have been shutting her down. 
“not now. please. 
i hear you. i see you. 
but not now. please wait.
the time will come. please wait.”

i keep threading through confusions, 
in search of clarity and confirmation. 

foolish girl, 
hungry to seek knowledge
but forgetting
prior lessons, 

Guru spoke to me- 
find one path, 
dedicate it to it fully. 
become a master. 
drop the superficial,
commit. 

but i am torn by two wisdoms, 
the path of Tantra, 
the path of Vipassana. 

Vipassana, 
the path
of ultimate knowing
that i am to remain neutral, unattached to sensations.
do not develop clinging or craving to the good. 
do not develop aversion or hatred to the bad. 
remaining aware, with perfect equanimity. 

Tantra, 
the path
of fierce empowerment
that this life was meant to feel good, blissful, 
that i am a divine being with a purpose to fulfill. 
i am not here by accident, i have a reason to be here.
be floppy and relaxed, floppy and relaxed. 

Vipassana
takes me
into the waters of ultimate stillness,
rigid schedules, ultimate sacrifices, 
developing strong determination. 
be firm and motivated, firm and motivated. 

Tantra
guides me
to seeing there is a flow, a natural rhythm, 
and I am to move with the flow.
Let go of the knowing,
Life is meant to be easy. Blissful. 
please flow. 
please flow… 

my reflections halt, 
as i look out the window, 
breathing myself into the now, 
putting to rest illusions of future. 

porcelain snow is all i see. 

i am here. 

awake and aware. 

Vipassana grounds me 
Tantra sets me free. 

“can’t i have both?” i wonder.

ah ha!
attachment

i release. 

i am nothing.
i am everything.

i am here. 

ultimate knowing- 
porcelain snow will melt, 
lush greenery will rise from it’s place. 
there is a time for every season.

oh sweet ecstasy. 

impermanence. 

impermanence. 

impermanence.