dear brother-

where are you
dear brother?

are you safe?
are you warm?
have you eaten?
are you at peace?

everyone says you are here,
watching, always with me.
most days i believe that to be true.
but i’m hiccuping my tears in,
“oh just get on with it already.”
no one likes a sad girl.

fuck it.

i just miss you,
big brother.

so much is happening,
i wish i could call you.
sometimes i picture what it would be like,
to call, like when we were children,
feeding quarters into a payphone..
the way you deepened your voice into your chest
everytime you picked up a phone to say “hello”.
oh the things i’d tell you..
i live in england now, close to london.
i thought it would have been london, and
sometimes i feel a failure for not choosing london.
it’s just.. it’s so big.. and overwhelming..
so many people.. i don’t know where i would go..
i think you would understand..

i’m getting close brother.
i’m building a new life,
on my own,
i’m starting to find my voice.
and sometimes i even let others in.
not always, but sometimes.
and it’s really scary.
but i am doing it.

but on days like this,
it falls apart.
grief comes on the playlist,
sounding like
heavy punk guitar rifts
and messy fast drums.

that was alot,
losing you.
twice.

5 years,
15 years,
without you.

you didn’t –
i didn’t –
deserve
that kind of fate.

“she’s so lovely, what a nice girl”
oh wait,
“she’s so fucked up, it’s exhausting.”
they are working double time to try to figure me out.
i guess i am too ashamed to tell them how much i hurt somedays.
and the rare few- they are cleaning up parts of me you broke.
that’s not fair for them.
they do it anyways.
because they love me,
they want me to be ok.
i hate you for that.

and how many times
they probably thought
it was about them,
or what they did,
or didn’t do.
i have the knowing
but not the courage
to tell to them,
it’s not them,
it’s you who
makes me pull back.
brother,
you could have fought
just a little harder
to try and live,
while you were alive.

brother,
i think i am going to end up alone.
i think you are a lot to blame.
i can’t soothe it,
maybe alone is best.

and
brother,
sometimes i get so angry at you.
the only thing that brings me back,
is the grounding voice of Dharma..
“this was your karma to experience”,
mirroring,
“this was my karma to experience”
too.
i wonder..
what kind of karma
our next life will bring together?
i hope i can heal my anger,
because when we meet, in the next life time,
i will have two lifetimes worth of love to give you,
i hope we will have the fate to let each other back in.

and maybe,
this is a bit too much
to be expressed outwards.
but fuck it,
i miss you so much.
i’ll wear my heart on my sleeve.. for you.
and i hope you are ok..
at peace..

i’ll keep working at
finding my peace
too.
somedays i get so close.
other days, i’m so far.
i am trying.

brother,
i’m tired.
i’m not sleeping these days.
but i’ll keep trying anyways.

in all of it,
i’ll keep trying.
for me,
for you.

anyways.

talk soon.