September

i sense
a pulling of the arrow back-
grief waves and panic attacks. 
i feel shut downs
of internal systems.
i ask for grace
from my loved ones.
i’m struggling,
i’m failing them. 
oh.. i feel their pity..
i don’t want that.
sick animals must disappear
to heal their wounds,
i have alot of those..
it’s almost too many,
too deep, too infected.
so i retreat.
sun sets
to blue hour,
it goes black.
oh.
but wait.
something’s happening.
it’s happening.
it gets so dark.
isolations.
slow.
i have to
move
quietly,
intuitively,
sensing every moment
before it’s made.
ah.. there it is-
the subtle scent
of scotch
on his breath
reminds me
where to look.
black and white,
mystical lights.
i know where to go.
it’s safe, sacred.
so safe,
and so sacred
my timid voice becomes so brave.
i begin to speak
my truth, again,
to an empty room.
it feels like freedom.
oh! what’s that??
who’s there??
a rustling, in the dark,
my eyes adjust. 
ah-
i see them, 
i’m not alone here!
mere maa, mere didi, aur mere chota bhai.
are in the back of the room.
their unconditional love
reminds me
to swing harder. 
there is nothing left to lose.
they will always stand behind me.
i wince at the words i spoke.
“i went too far”..
my mother, the poet replies – “no, you didn’t. swing harder.”
so i do.
for them,
i can be brave.
they help me be brave.

i go
so deep
until the sense
of being tugged at
pulls me out.
they are trying to grab my attention,
but i am clear, sturdy and firm- i only want him.
i know they mean well.
but it’s alot..
it doesn’t feel good..
i act unaware but i am highly in-tune.
i am feeling like an object. an objective.
oh but i am too gentle,
too timid to say “fuck off”..
i don’t know how to navigate
when i see their sufferings. 
aspirations towards bodhichitta, 
but life as a human too.
i am overwhelmed.
i only want him,
why are they pulling so hard?
the anxiety 
gets loud.
my mind drifts off elsewhere,
i am far removed from here and now.
i sense a slamming of the door,
bringing me back to the here and now.
the door reminds me,
i can leave,
at any moment,
i can leave.
so i do. 
retreating
again.
even farther.
“no boys allowed”
i begin to say.
i need space,
room to breathe.
except from him,
a calm blue wave.
he can stay.
he never stays.
that’s ok too.
for the moment he does,
it’s beautiful.
and i’m in awe.

oh,
what’s this?

it’s nothing
oh wait
i sense
it’s something.
i don’t know,
i can’t make sense of it..
everything is changing,
i am changing.
i feel uncertain
how to feel about it all.
the last 5 months..
that was really overwhelming.
who am i anymore? i am scattered.
i need clarity.
i know where to go,
to collect myself..
surfer town on the coast,
sunrise salutations,
and other worldly visits.
he comes,
my brother.
he gives me a drishti,
“find the blackbird”
only he and i would understand the sentiments.
i call my mom,
am i hallucinating?
she says no.
oh i remember the monks words now-
it’s all a dream anyways,
there is no real world.
it’s all an illusion.
so i take the messages,
i play it like a dream,
and learn to ride the waves.
salt water heals all wounds.
and this time, when i bring rose white petals to the sea
for blessings and protections to the Devi’s-
the goddesses-
i realize, i too, 
am worthy of my blessings, my protection. 
maybe they weren’t meant to stay,
because i was meant to find my way
back home to my self.
i feel like i am coming home to myself.
i realize
i’ve given too much away.
now, more than anything
my own care and devotion is needed.
i just want to learn
how to love myself.
a little more.
wouldn’t that be a beautiful story to curate?

i sense
the arrow pulled back,
friction and force,
as far as it can go,
i flow forward now,
out of muddy chaotic thoughts,
into the chilling of autumn.
i’m not sure where the arrow is going,
i hope it pierces into something
gentle.
quiet,
soft
and meaningful.
sturdy.
it’s about to get dark again,
dark. 
cold.
i hope i can remember to tend to my own fire first, before another’s.

october, 
please be kind. 
i’m weighted by
remembrances.
i miss him so much, 
i couldn’t save him. 
i miss him so much. 
i couldn’t save him. 
i miss him so much. 
i feel nauseas. 
the world goes on. 
and i am stuck somewhere.
dark.
cold.
lonely.

october, 
please be kind. 
i’m not a victim, 
i’m just sad.
i miss him so much. 
but it’s ok. 
i’ll be ok. 
always am. 
just please, 
be kind. 
i’m trying. 

he wouldn’t want me to be sad. 

i’ll keep trying.

for him,
and for me.

i suppose
that was a lot of words
but that was a lot
for one month.

be kind october,
september did a toll on me.
but i guess it did set me free.