A week has passed.
On my mind?
I’m not sure,
I am now just bravely settling into stillness.
I have kept a high pace through the strides of the waking hours.
I see my home only to sleep, the hours of the day spent evading,
Jobs and responsibilities make great distractors.
Stay busy fool.
“How is he?” I asked.
“I’m not sure,” she replied. “His phone charger broke two days ago and I haven’t been able to talk to him. I keep calling the nurses station but they don’t have much information other than the chemo is making him really sick and weak. I wish the doctor would return my messages.”
My whole chest rips in pain. This can’t be real to feel this intensity of emotion.
I think of him, alone, enduring chemo without his Mom, his rock and support.
I think of her, breaking, wanting to be by his side and not being able to reach him.
A part of me sinks into a sorrow that I cannot describe.
It feels filthy, acidic and weakening.
Oh, now the day must begin? Now from this state, I must go and maneuver the day with grace and ease?
But I feel like I can barely hold my chest up. It takes up too much energy.
I can’t. I really can’t.
“But you must,” says the words of my soul.
I know better than not to listen.
The soul of an orphan ignites a courage no one can duplicate nor rob.
– Go. –
“Please don’t look too closely at me,
Sorrow will drown you into the dead sea.”
Desperate pleas of my heart to those I keep closest to me.
I don’t want them to sense this weight.
I don’t want them to sense any of this.
I avoid eye contact when possible,
Eyes are the home to the soul and right now I wish not to be seen.
I talk, I interact, I feel my intentions are genuine,
But there is a disjointed sense of connected to myself as I converse with even the ones I love and feel protection from the most.
I wonder if they sense it? They must. I am muted of essence.
I wonder if they judge me for it?
I hope not.
All of this creates an impulse to stay small.
Quiet. Withdrawn. Savagely guarded.
If human connection can ignite past traumas,
How can I be foolish enough to let new people in?
I start to fumble down, down, down, into the rabbit hole.
A little more weighted.
A little more desolate.
Then a crack breaks.
A reminder of all that is good in my heart.
Dance. Music. Community. Connection.
A time to break into the role I recover best in – the observer.
I slink into the floor, unapologetically of my yogic roots.
My camera, my dearest loyal companion, in my lap, capturing those who inspire me.
My god, is it fucking important to stay inspired in this life.
When I heard the rustling of bangles, and the waves of life dancing through the manifestation of a silk scarf, I began to remember the words of a distant stranger in exotic lands:
” Heal? Ha! I do not understand what you mean.
You came here to seek healing? How can you heal the whole?
What nonsense. to say you’re not.
The universe is you.
You being foolish enough not to see this – THAT is the only thing to be mended.
You are not a wound to be healed. Show me your wounds.
See. You have none.
You are whole. You are infinite. You must see this.
The way these words rung in my ear with deep affinity. Unsure what to say, but to thank him for his time and scurry off. I let his words marinate in my mind, but it was the ambience of Indian culture that concreted his words.
It is so damn important to invite ecstacy, passion and creativity into your life.
It is so damn important to dive in to each of your hearts desires without fear.
It is so damn important to embrace the bravery of expansion.
Yes. Even when you want build walls of protection the most.
Let the sounds of alluring beats and the swaying of vibrant hues to lead you astray. Even if they pull you out of warmth into the cold streets of a torn apart downtown with snowpuddle soaked shoes, keep seeking. Follow the calls of your hearts desires. When life feels like it is unmanageable and unruly, become unmanageable and unruly in your creative pursuits. When you find the door that houses one of your hearts desires, and when fear prevents you from turning the handle-
Embrace your experience,
But choose to show up.
You can be both darkness and light.
It does not make you a fraud,
It makes you magic.
photo credit: davey h productions
c/o Alberta Culture Days @ Grande Prairie Public Library
Dancer of Moondance Shimmy Studio