Cancer, my Moon

I was gifted another piece of my puzzle,
Wednesday, among community + connection.
When the moon was almost full,
My heart- maybe not so much.

She- a bewitching moderator of the divine,
A teacher and muse for the fearful poets,
Explained another level
Of astrological information
Assigned to you
When you are ready
To be born into physical form.

You see, I’m not sure entirely what to think-
The science of cosmos and planetary alignment,
To describe the world as it has been manifested.
The world needs neutrality and skeptics,
I do not fault myself for my uncertainty.
But what I do know is moving through my life,
Not knowing where I belong or fit in,
When I read the traits of the water, of the fish,
I feel understood in a way I could never explain.
My sun sign,
My personality,
The side that the external world sees,
The role I’ve always known,
Pisces, the seeker of truth,
Sensitive, a dreamer,
Made of art, music and words.

“But your moon sign,
Is the makings of your internal world,
Your private self, Your soul,
Of internal motivations and emotions,” she explained.

I inputed what needed to be,
To learn of the planetary alignment,
To learn of the makings of my own chart.

“What is your moon sign?” She asked.

“Cancer,” I replied.

“Of course it is,” she mused, knowing something I didn’t,
With a tone that revealed her amusement of it’s accuracy.

Cancer.

The demon that took my father,
The demon that saved my brother,
I’m not sure how I felt,
Knowing another layer of my being,
Cancer has sunk his teeth into
Without me even knowing until this night.

Cancer.
I read,
The water sign that is adaptable to land,
Intuitive, mysterical, sensitive,
Emotional depth, and compassionate.
Born with a protective shell, they may be seen as cold and distant
But when they trust you, they will gift you their everything.
A longing, a desire- for cozy safe places, personal sanctuaries,
They love hard, with everything they’ve got –
Damn.
I get it.

I sit with this,
The high lighting phrase “intuitive”
And the mirroring of the Pisces ways,
And the mirroring of who I am now.

Crazy.
Then why must I feel a need to distrust my gut decisions?

Among the night
Of connection an conversation,
I lost myself into an abyss
Of reading more about the ways of Cancer: 
The fear that haunts the Cancerian, 
Is allowing people to enter into their life
Without the shielding armour of protection, 
Open to vulnerability, Open to the risk of losing that person
And the hole that is left behind their exit. 
The fear of losing the ones they love, 
They fear losing the home they need. 

Damn.

“I get that.”

I soften.
As I see my wrong doings
Presented before me.

“Please don’t get too close to me,
I’m not ready to lose another,”
I whisper with my actions,
As I distance myself from magic.

My life right now,
Is about to be gifted upheaval.
Short term. But on a big impact.
I am in the space of dancing with the Cancerian’s great fears,
I am in the space of dancing with my own greatest fears-
To leave home,
To leave the ones I love,
Yes temporarily,
But who will be there when I return?

And in this space,
I sit with my own deepest fear-
The fear of saying goodbye to the ones I love.
Temporarily. I know.

Even for the sake of doing what lights my soul-
Even for the sake of an open road and a wild adventure.

So amidst this space I have found myself in,
Overwhelmed, terrified,
Please sit with me,
With compassion.
With strength a little louder than mine.

Don’t call it a runaway, 
Call it one imperfect human beings courage to sit,
To find stillness among the fears that rob her of so much,
Because she feels ready to find life on the other side.
Amidst aftermath of Cancer and loss, destruction.

She is ready to find peace, shanti, among the ruins,
Among the darkness of winter solstice,
She is ready to surrender into the moon’s guiding,
Of her soul’s deepest secrets towards alignment of love + light.

photo credit: luizclas  via pexels