Cambodia

Due to Thailand immigration laws, I needed to leave the country so I can obtain another 30 day visa.

Two days ago, I had everything figured out to fly into Penang Malaysia- a cute lil artistic nook named George town.
It felt safe. A go-to for many ashram students needing a place to go.
All I needed to do was click one more button to finish booking. And I had one loud lingering thought –
“Is safe really what you want after a year like 2019? Or do you want to feel alive?”
     – I don’t fully understand the question, nor does the answer make sense.
But on a whim, I canceled and backtracked the booking.
Within two minutes, I had a flight booked into Siem Reap, Cambodia.
I had no fucking idea why but it was all an instinctual whim.

Cambodia… I don’t even know how to explain the way you are healing my heart.

I spent today exploring the temple of Ang Kor and nearby temples.
A person can never understand until they share the experience.

If you’ve been, you know what I am talking about.
If you haven’t been, I urge you to take the steps to get here.

As I culture a deeper sense of relaxation into my body,
The emotions are at the surface. That’s ok, I’m being gentle with myself.
I found myself multiple times, being so overwhelmed with how peaceful and beautiful the moment was, that the tears flowed.

I let them. Being ok with the rain of sorrow in such a public place, without the safety net of having other people to hide behind. I’m ok with this vulnerability.

Major waves of gripping of anger surface –
It is so fucking unfair that he never got a chance to travel and experience something like this.
It is so fucking unfair that he is robbed of the chance to live, to find peace, and to be ok.

How the fuck does Alberta Canada experience a blood shortage in 2019?
How the fuck does someone who dedicated his existence to his physical body, have his lungs deteriorate.
I don’t fucking know man.
“Relax- nothing is under control.”

I feel a softening in my body –

Maybe..
If I carry him in my awareness,
In some sense,
He will experience too, the moment.
I don’t know.
What happens to us when we die?
Can you help heal the karmic cycle of someone who has passed on?

I don’t know.
But I do know,
Cambodia,
You have a lot to teach me,
In the ways you’ve endured.

ps: in an exploration of perserving the beauty and authenticity of the moment- these photo’s have not been edited, filtered or adjusted in any way.  – kp from davey h, xo