I’m not sure what led me there,
But I was being led,
I was happy to follow.
(Today was the day I felt ready to face my newly found fear of stillness.)
I brought myself to a treasured nook of mine in the city. A hidden look out point, accessible by foot, home to some of my favorite sunsets and inner inquiries. My blonde hair was swept under a baseball cap, I had headphones in my ears and a full backpack of camera gear, journals and books. I came across the log fence I’ve perched on many times before – playful and free, I climbed up to sit. I took a moment to observe the natural pull of my body, then adjusted my centre of balance accordingly so I felt the security to pull my legs up cross legged. I take a few moments to observe with greater depth and contrast, the pull of the body the pull of the backpack, then find a sense of neutrality between the two. I bring my hands softly into my lap, relaxed fingers gentle clasp on to one another.
Absolutely vulnerable, I know, unsafe to predators, but sometimes I do these things with infinite trust in the five senses of my human body to pick up when danger is near. It has not failed me yet, but perhaps I am lucky.
I am listening to a guided meditation, tantra based, moving through the observations of the body. The breath. The moment. The sensations..
I feel overwhelmed.
Stillness in my life has brought me vertigo and nausea,
When I try to stop, everything is spinning,
So I keep moving, keep doing.
This is unlike me,
But these are strange times.
I try, though, in this moment,
To listen to the calm voice,
Bringing me to now,
But I feel the unsettling.
Observe. The breath. In, Out. The sensations. Here. Now.
I looked up-
A big black bird,
I smile at him,
Then look away,
Bringing focus back to the audio.
He is loud. I feel him watching me.
“Hello there”, I kindly say with a warm smile.
Then shift focus away to meditation.
He is agitated and leaps off his branch and flys to a branch closer and in my eye-line’s view. I feel him watching me, but I pretend not to notice. I try to keep focus on getting through this guided meditation the best I can.
I ignore, focusing on the audio, doing my best to direct focus where the audio guides me to.
“M I S S !!!!!!!”
I feel alarm.
He notices my reaction, and softens his tone, gentle but firm-
I don’t mean to scare you,
But you are missing your soul.”
I feel a chilling wave through my body.
I pull out my ear buds,
Giving him my full attention.
“Your soul – it’s gone.
“It happens, it’s ok.
Souls leave the body when it senses too much pain.
It’s common for it to happen to people like you who have -“
I feel my throat constrict, emotion starting to well up in my sinus’.
He observes this trigger, ending his sentence, we both understand each other.
Anger begins to erupt in my system. “It’s impossible. There is no way. I feel I am exactly where I need to be, given the circumstances. I am in alignment.”
“Yes. You were. You were in pure alignment. Then it happened. Now, you are riding off of momentum. You stopped looking after yourself. Your soul has left your body, and you are about to crash.”
“No, it’s impossible,” I stand my ground. My mind drifts to all the good I’ve done, all the powerfully brave things I have done.. all the joy and alignment I’ve been fighting for.. Amidst the unthinkable. He’s wrong, I think to myself.
With narrowing eyes, his tone intensifies, “Miss. I do not know why we animal realm know these things, but we simply do. Now you must listen. You are about to fall ill. You are going to experience a heavy rain of darkness. My words will make more sense then. But for now- there is only one thing you need to do..”
I stared at him. Wide eyes, impatient, I let my black eyes burn into his black eyes. A trance.
Owning full command of the moment, with regal presence. “You need to go home. It’s important. You need to go now.”
I feel myself lose balance from my seat on the fence, there is a chill in his tone that has moved into the cells of my body.
“Ok,” I say. Confused, unsure, but trusting.
I uncross my legs, place my hands on the log for balance and hop off the fence. It takes a moment for full feeling to wave through my legs. When I feel grounded, I open my bag, pulling out my car keys to communicate my intention of listening to his advice.
It’s not bad.
But it’s going to hurt.
This will be necessary.
It might even feel like you are dying,
Or that you want to die, for the suffering to cease.
But on the other side,
You have so much waiting for you.
It’s quite beautiful actually.
For everything you have experienced,
A chapter awaits of infinite peace, love.
I don’t want to ruin the surprises,
It all comes together.
I need to stress the importance,
You are at a cross roads-
You must act fast.
Do not go out to seek your souls return,
It will happen naturally at it’s own time.
Stop chasing the light,
Darkness can heal too.
You need to let your guard down,
You need to let those walls down.”
He looks at my hand, with my car keys, and says one last thing to me –
“Not the place you sleep everynight. Go home.”
With fluttering grace, his wings stretch wide and he flies off to the distance. Gone.
I feel a strange wave of sadness, for I know I will never see him again. “What a strange bird.”
“Home.” I ponder. My mind sifts through the obvious.. and the not so obvious. Tiny purrs of places in the world that felt like home..
Until a wave hits, fierce, thundering. Home. The trees, The lakes, The rivers, The gravel trails… Home.
I feel shaken.
I feel a new direction pulsate through.
A summer soul revival, maybe..