I should have known everything was about to change
The way the sky painted itself with other worldly hues, a premonition.
I went home to get my camera,
I had a feeling.. 

I found myself laying on my bedroom floor, stretched out, 
On my tummy, my arms folded under my head
Intuitively aware of all surroundings, pausing. 
This was not the norm..
Something was about to happen.. 
I felt the spinning..
I needed to be close to
The earth.

An infinite world of “what ifs” and possibilities, 
With one phone call laying them to rest. 
Shock, anger, and the sensation of my diaphragm
Quivering into the earth with excoriating devastation. 

You’re gone.
And you are not coming back. 

The winds in my mind, now a hurricane. 
If I sit too still, my body breaks down. 
I feel the urge to vomit, and sometimes I do. 
So I have been running. Fast. Careless. 
Neglecting sleep, routine, and consistency. 

I catch myself, 
Moving through my day, 
And the thought hits my awareness
Shattering me to the ground- 
You – The one person I thought would always be there- 
You left. You’re gone.
You are not coming back. 

I don’t know how to cope.

I package myself together
Just enough to make it through
The day to finish responsibilities. 
But in my inner world, 
I am broken. 

So I find myself, 
Fiercely craving
Unpredictable runaways,
Seeking solitude, 
Water and trees. 


And under the privacy of nature,
Away from the world I know, 
At my own time, 
I sink myself
Into the sand,
The dirt,
The mud. 
The earth. 

My head spins so fast, 
I cannot stop the momentum. 
But in these moments, 
The weight of sand on buried feet..
The dirt under my back as I sleep under the stars beside the protective fire.. 
The stones and pebbles prickling the soles of my feet during exploration of lakes and rivers.. 
The sensations of
The earth, 
Firm and steady,
Brings me a physical calm 
I’ve needed to ground me down.  

Infinite peace. 

But I feel it. .
The seasons are changing now, 
The disappearance of the medicine
That helped get me through, 
Nature is telling me that it must hibernate,
And so should I.

And the questions steal my focus, 
How do I make it though this? 
Knowing in my heart, in my mind, 
The dirt, the earth, that held me down, 
Is about to be robbed
By snow and ice? 

Where does one go, 
When the earth under their feet
Is about to be stolen out from under them? 



Model credit: Ali Emerald (Insta: @ thealiemerald)

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