Fire / Water

You are fire.
Flickering,
Wild, Untamed.

I am water.
Ever flowing,
Yielding to surroundings. 

It could have been so much more. 
We could have been so much more.. 

No.

We could never have been more. 
You are fire. 
I am water. 

We could never last. 

I remember
Slipping deeper and deeper
Into the abyss of stillness.
10 days of silence, 
10 days of Vipassana.
Cued to observe the impermanence,
Cued to observe the cravings, the aversion. 

I saw you.
I saw us.
I saw a future I didn’t know I wanted. 
A family, a home, you – 
I wanted you.
I wanted us.  
You said we’d be ok. 
I believed you. 

And I – 
Falling deeper and deeper
Into the swamps of illusion
My perceptions about to crumble
As I awoke back into society. 
It was over the moment Vipassana was over. 

You are fire. 
Bold, powerful, 
Thunderous, 
Unpredictable. 

And I – 
Have been fighting with every thing I have, 
In search of peace. Stability. Calm. 
In the journey of my life, this one precious life, 
There has been so much trauma and conflict, 
I can’t go back. 
I won’t go back. 

“Do you even know who I am?
I don’t think you do.
I know I am short tempered. 
How do you not know this by now?
I have always been this way.
You have to accept I am not going to change.”
“I suppose
I saw in you
The very best.”
 – replied silently, my heart,
not wanting to be heard,
but breaking apart, slowly.. 

Maybe, like an addict, 
I was satisfying a habit. 
You took me back to the role
Of the timid sensitive scared girl, 
Flowing around every unpredictable mood
Of the strong men I called family. 

Maybe I saw my future with you, 
Because you showed me familiarity of my past. 
But I am not her anymore. 
I have experienced such peace, 
Such calm, grounded, stable bonds, 
Healthy communication. Boundaries. 
Unshakable belief, pure hearted support system- 

I have come so far. 

What I once wanted, 
I have now outgrown.
I want peace. 
I want calm. 

You showed me this. 
I thank you for this. 
And the more I understand, 
The more I grow into my life. 

You are fire, 
And I am water.
We cannot deny
Our natural elements.  
It would rob us both equally.

You are perfect as you are. 
Fire illuminates, fire protects, 
Fire cultivates regrowth- 
But fire –
Fire and water
Could never be.